You can fall in love with his charming side and be destroyed by his dark side. It can be unnerving, but it all makes sense when you understand what drives them. That conscience protects you from their games, lies, and manipulation.

Narcissists have an impaired or underdeveloped self. They think and function differently from other people. They behave the way they do because of the way their brain is wired, be it due to nature or upbringing. The severity of narcissism varies. Some people have more symptoms with greater intensity, while other narcissists have fewer, milder symptoms. Therefore, the following discussion may not apply to all narcissists to the same degree.

Narcissistic vulnerability

Despite having seemingly strong personalities, narcissists are actually very vulnerable. Psychotherapists consider them “fragile.” They suffer from deep alienation, emptiness, helplessness, and lack of meaning. Due to their extreme vulnerability, they crave power and must control their environment, the people around them, and their feelings with vigilance. Manifestations of vulnerable feelings, such as fear, shame or sadness, are intolerable signs of weakness both in themselves and in others. Their defense system, discussed below, protects them but harms other people. When they feel more insecure, they are more malicious and the impact of their actions is irrelevant.

Narcissistic shame

Beneath its facade is toxic shame, which may be unconscious. Shame makes narcissists feel insecure and inadequate – vulnerable feelings that they must deny to themselves and others. This is one of the reasons why they cannot accept negative criticism, responsibility, dissent, or comments, even when they are intended to be constructive. Instead, they demand positive and unconditional consideration from others.

Arrogance

To compensate for the feeling of inferiority, they maintain an attitude of superiority. They are often arrogant, critical, and dismissive of other people, including entire groups they consider inferior, such as immigrants, a racial minority, a lower economic class, or people with less education. As bullies, they look down on others for getting up.

Grandiosity

His hidden shame explains his swagger and self-aggrandizement. They are trying to convince themselves and others that they stand out, that they are exceptionally special, and that they are the best, the smartest, the richest, the most attractive, and the most talented. This is also why narcissists gravitate toward celebrities and high-status people, schools, organizations, and other institutions. Being with the best convinces them that they are better than the others, while internally they are not so sure.

Right

Narcissists feel entitled to get what they want from others, regardless of their behavior. Your sense of entitlement masks your inner shame and insecurity. They convince themselves that they are superior and it follows that they deserve special treatment. For example, their time is more valuable than others, and they shouldn’t have to wait in line like the masses. There is no limit to what you can expect from others. Interpersonal relationships are a one-way street, because other people consider themselves inferior and are not separated from them (see below). They do not recognize their behavior as hypocritical, because they feel superior and special. The rules for other people do not apply to them.

Lack of empathy

Narcissists’ ability to respond emotionally and express appropriate attention and concern is significantly impaired. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, narcissists lack empathy. They are “unwilling to acknowledge or identify with the feelings and needs of others.” (APA, 2013) Research shows they have structural abnormalities in brain regions associated with emotional empathy.

They may claim to love you, but you must determine if you feel loved by the way they treat you. Real love requires empathy, compassion, and a deep understanding of the person we love. We show an active concern for that person’s life and growth. We try to understand your experience and your view of the world, although it may differ from ours. If you haven’t experienced such genuine love or if it was laced with abuse, then you may not appreciate real love or expect to be treated better.

Without empathy, narcissists can be selfish, hurtful, and cold when being charming or cooperative doesn’t serve them well. For them, relationships are transactional. Instead of responding to feelings, they are interested in getting your needs met, • sometimes, even if it means exploiting others, cheating, lying, or breaking the law. Although they may feel excitement and passion in the early stages of a relationship, this is not love, but lust. They are known for their game. Sacrificing yourself for a loved one is not in your playbook. Their lack of empathy also accustoms them to the pain they cause to others, while their cognitive and emotional intelligence gives them an advantage to exploit others to satisfy their needs.

Empty

Narcissists lack a positive emotional connection to themselves, making it difficult for them to connect emotionally with others. Your underdeveloped self and poor internal resources require you to depend on others for validation. More than confidence, they actually fear being undesirable. They can only admire themselves reflected in the eyes of others. Therefore, despite their boasting and self-praise, they crave constant attention and admiration. Because their sense of self is determined by what others think of them, they try to control what others think in order to feel better about themselves. They use relationships for self-improvement and for their narcissistic supply. However, due to their inner emptiness, they are never satisfied. Whatever you do for them is never enough to fill their void. Like vampires who are dead inside, narcissists exploit and exhaust those around them.

Lack of limits

Mythological Narcissus fell in love with his own image, reflected in a pool of water. At first, he didn’t realize it was himself. This metaphorically describes narcissists. The inner emptiness, shame, and underdeveloped selves of narcissists make them insecure of their limits. They do not experience other people as separate individuals, but as two-dimensional extensions of themselves, without feelings, as narcissists cannot empathize. Other people only exist to meet your needs. This explains why narcissists are selfish and oblivious to their impact on others, even when they are cruel.

Narcissistic defenses

It is the defense mechanisms used by narcissists to protect their vulnerability that make relationships with narcissists so difficult. The common defenses they use are arrogance and contempt, denial, projection, aggression, and envy.

Arrogance and contempt

These defenses inflate a narcissist’s ego with an air of superiority to guard against unconscious feelings of inadequacy. Shame also changes by projecting inferiority on others.

Denial

Denial distorts reality so that a narcissist can live in an inflated bubble of his own fantasy world to protect his fragile ego. They distort, rationalize, misrepresent the facts, and deceive themselves to avoid anything that might cause a rift in their armor, which is so thick, that for some narcissists, no amount of evidence or argument can get through.

Projection and blame

This defense allows unacceptable feelings, thoughts or qualities to be repudiated and attributed mentally or verbally to another person. Guilt shifts responsibility, so the narcissist is innocent. This defense has the same function as denial. Projection is an unconscious process, by which a narcissist does not have to experience anything negative in himself, but sees it as something external. Those traits are projected onto another person or a group of people. You become the selfish, weak, unlovable or worthless. The projection is very crazy and damaging to the self-esteem of those close to a narcissist, especially children.

Aggression

Aggression is used to create security by pushing people away. Narcissists view the world as hostile and threatening, and they act aggressively against people, both in word and in behavior. This can lead to narcissistic abuse. Vengeful narcissists retaliate to reverse feelings of humiliation and restore their pride by defeating their offender.

Envy

Narcissists must be the best. They cannot enjoy someone else’s success. If someone else has what they want, they feel inferior. Life is a zero-sum game. Competitive narcissists don’t just envy people who have what they want; they may react vindictively to bring them down, especially if they feel threatened. Narcissists are often envious and competitive with their children.

Understanding who you are dealing with is very helpful, but figuring out what you can do is more important. If you love a narcissist, the exercises and strategies in Dealing with a Narcissist can be helpful and give you clarity on how to meet your needs and how to assess whether you should stay in the relationship. Email me if you would like to join my mailing list and receive a “Narcissistic Behaviors Checklist”.

© DarleneLancer 2019