No parent will consciously acknowledge the fact that favoritism operates within some families. One of the unwritten norms of society is the attachment of mothers to their sons and of fathers to their daughters. But when parents go overboard with their preferences, there is likely to be discord within the home. Favored children are spoiled children. Parents who indulge in favoritism do so at the risk of undermining the very foundation of the family.
“If the family fails, all other institutions in society will fail…”, says theologian Dr. Kenneth Chafin.
The Biblical story of Rebekah, who forced her favorite son to deceive her blind father and steal her brother Esau’s blessing, is a good example of how parental favoritism ruined family relationships, stirred up sibling enmity, and exiled Jacob from his family for many years.
However, Jacob did not learn from the mistakes of his parents, but instead favored Joseph among all his other children and gave him a special gift of a beautiful coat of many colors. Jealousy and anger raged against Joseph, and the brothers sold him to merchants, then lied to his father that he had been eaten by a wild animal.
The emotional environment within the home, especially in the early formative years of children, has a marked effect on the behavior of the favored child, as well as the one who feels rejected.
Reasons for parental favoritism:
• On the attachment of mothers to their sons and of fathers to their daughters. A father tends to be overprotective of his daughter, and the son feels rejected. Similarly, when a mother falls in love with her son, the daughter feels betrayed by the very person who should love her.
• Gender discrimination: In many Asian countries and cultures, the son has a privileged place within the family in relation to nutrition, education and health care. The girl’s needs are not fully met. She is often malnourished and suffers from health problems. Her education is not of much importance. She is forced to stay home to help with the housework and take care of her other siblings.
• Appearance: Sometimes parents are subconsciously biased in favor of a healthy, good-looking child. The ugly child feels undesirable and insecure.
• Health: A handicapped child may receive less attention than the robust brother. In some cases, the disabled child takes up all of the mother’s time, while the healthy child must fend for himself.
• Intelligence: An intelligent child is praised and pampered. But the average child doesn’t get the stimulation he needs.
Favoritism is a form of child abuse. This is the wrong kind of love and leads to bad parenting.
Effect of Favoritism on the spoiled child:
– Excess indulgence: This stunts the child’s personality. He becomes used to instant need gratification from her and therefore lacks motivation to develop his own faculties. When their demands are not met immediately, their frustration levels rise. He may suffer from attention deficit disorder and will not complete any task he starts. He is poor at problem solving. He becomes a self-centered adult, greedy and always complaining when things don’t go his way. A spoiled child is insecure when left alone and suffers from low self-esteem.
– Privilege: Because he is more favored than other brothers, he becomes a bully and lords it over others.
Effects of favoritism on the disadvantaged child:
– Behavior disorders such as telling stories of the spoiled child, causing injuries or lying. Indulge in antisocial behavior to attract parental attention.
– Inferiority complex due to verbal or non-verbal parental rejection due to indifference.
– Lack of self-confidence and self-esteem.
Sometimes these signs may not be detected until adolescence. Jealousy, violence, drug or alcohol abuse, or even suicide attempts have been known to occur.
Lessons for Parents:
– Parents must learn to respect the personality of each child. Everyone should be treated and loved equally. The home should provide a loving, caring, and stimulating environment.
– Discipline is an important part of parenting. Unless parents are good role models, discipline will not be effective. Moral and spiritual values must form the basis of discipline.
– No preferential treatment should be given to a particular child. Parents should foster a spirit of caring and sharing among siblings.
– Unhealthy comparisons breed rivalry. This increases the natural jealousy that exists in children. Each child has their own special gifts. Therefore, healthy competition should be encouraged.
– Children should know that obedience is expected of them. They must also be taught to take responsibility for their actions. If asked to mediate their disputes, parents must be fair and just.
– Children should be encouraged to verbalize their feelings. Then the parents will become aware of their own harmful actions.
Parenthood is a responsibility. Regardless of attributes such as physical attractiveness, intelligence, beauty, or special abilities, a child must be sure of her worth in the eyes of her parents. This can only happen when her physical, emotional, social and spiritual needs are met. Favoring one child over another will be detrimental to her overall development and will sow seeds of discord within the family.