One of the most common emotions that arises after learning about an affair is the desire to transfer the pain you feel to the person responsible for it. Although many wives will want revenge on their husbands (or will be very angry with them), they will most likely pay attention to the mistress. Often, in an attempt to hurt her, seek revenge, and remove her from her lives, wives ask me how to tell the lover’s husband about the matter. I completely understand this impulse. I used to follow the other woman, but as she healed me, I eventually got tired of this and decided that she was giving her much more credit and attention than she deserved. In the next article, I will discuss this in more detail.
Why you probably want to tell the other woman’s husband about the affair:Often when wives email me this request, I ask what they ultimately want to accomplish by telling their husband. I often get responses like “well he should know. I don’t want anyone to go through what I am” or “I want to get back at her. She shouldn’t be able to get away with it.” .”
I often respond with “how do you know the husband doesn’t know?” “What do you know about his situation?” And then I’ll ask what I think the crux of the matter really is: “Are you doing this because you think it will make you feel better or give you a sense of closure?”
Most of the time wives will immediately say “yes. I think this will make me feel a lot better.” Well, let’s examine this, then.
Will telling the lover’s husband do anything to make him feel better or help his situation?: Most of the time, I have women who contact me after they have told the husband and they tell me about a disastrous situation. Often the husband is not receptive or hostile. Often wives do not come close to the release they hoped for.
Sometimes this will open another can of worms when the husband starts comparing notes and insinuating that it is your husband who is the offender, not his wife. So, you’re left trying to figure out and assess everyone’s individual and different story. This does absolutely nothing to help you heal and leaves you even more confused and frustrated.
In truth, you are probably trying to tell the husband because you think this will help stop the affair and start your healing. But often what you can’t see is that all he’s doing is adding another layer to this drama and giving you one more thing to worry about.
Right now, you should be focusing on yourself and your own healing. You are not responsible for someone else’s marriage. Let her take care of her husband. You have no idea what kind of arrangement they have. You have enough to worry about right now without accepting her marriage.
If you really want to take revenge on the mistress, make sure you get what she doesn’t want you to have: happiness and/or your husband: Let’s stop and think about this for a second. What the mistress ultimately wants is your husband. The best case scenario for him is that you are in a weakened, hopeless and unhappy state. In this way, your husband sees you as undesirable and he sees her as an attractive and safe haven.
Don’t play the game. She doesn’t want you to handle this with dignity and grace because that only makes your job more difficult. She doesn’t want you happy and whole.
So take this time to focus on yourself, not her. If you want to save her marriage, just focus on the two of you. In truth, she has no place in your life. Don’t let her in any more than she already is. If you choose not to save your marriage, then leave all that negativity behind and focus on your own healing. Happiness is your best revenge.
After all, she wants to insert herself, with all the drama that surrounds her, at the center of your life. Don’t let her. Freeze it and ignore it. She directs your attention to yourself. You deserve the best you can give. Allowing her to violate this only hurts you, not her.