I recently heard from a wife that she was extremely anxious. Her husband had just sat her down and told her that he wanted to be separated from her. The wife herself knew that things had been rocky for some time, but she figured she had more time to make things work out before he suggested that one of them move out. As she was now, the husband was volunteering to be the one to leave. But he didn’t give her any information about how long he intended to stay away from her or if he would eventually file for divorce. Basically, he kept repeating that she needed time to think and felt strongly that she wanted a break from the marriage.
The wife was beyond devastated. She was so dreading the moment he walked out the door because she was afraid that it might mean her marriage was over. And, she just couldn’t bear the thought of it. She told me that that would be the worst fear of hers made her true of her. She said, in part: “I desperately want to save my marriage, but he doesn’t agree. He feels the best course of action is separation. I’m afraid that once he leaves, he’ll never come home.” me. But, I have no success in making him change his mind. In fact, every time I bring up the subject, he gets mad and just backs out completely. What I can do? No matter what tactic I take, I feel like I’m going to lose him and I don’t know how I would handle that.”
I understand the fear that the wife feels. I have felt it myself. However, it is very important not to allow this fear to trick you into acting in a way that will only make the situation worse and harder to overcome. I believe (from my own experience and from those who share their stories with me) that there is definitely a right way and a wrong way to handle a spouse’s separation request. I will discuss more about this matter in the following article.
If possible, suggest a separation where you (and not him) leave the home: First, I felt that the wife was not going to be very successful in the long run in trying to get the husband to change his mind about the separation. She had been down this path many times before and this was only making the husband want to continue this even more. Continuing down this path would only make her work that much harder to gain the necessary ground.
And frankly, the husband was no longer listening to her anyway. So, for him to listen to her, she was going to have to start changing her message. So, I felt like he was going to be more successful if she was like, “you know, I can tell that this is very important to you and it’s obvious that this separation is something that you feel you need to explore.” I just want us to be able to restore some happiness and peace between us so if this is what you think it takes to make it happen then I’ll support you but it would be easier for me to stay with friends. have to leave your house. Let’s talk about how much time you think you need and what’s going to happen once the separation starts.”
Of course, this idea did not seem like the perfect solution for the wife. She didn’t want any kind of separation. I had to stress that this was probably going to happen anyway. And if she forced the issue, her husband would only resent her. So her best bet was to set it up in a way where she had the most control over it. By being the one leaving, she was able to control that her husband was still in her house and, when the time was right, she just needed to return. And she now she had arranged it so that her husband would see her as someone who wanted to help the situation instead of hurting her. She showed him that she had her best interest at heart and wanted to work with him instead of against him. This would ensure that she would have more access to him in the future. So instead of avoiding her, he might actually be working with her.
Define what will happen during separation: (and set it up to ensure you are perceived positively: It is very important to try to establish some parameters of what life will be like during the separation. How often are you going to touch base with each other? What does each of you want to achieve? What limits will be in place? Now sometimes the husband will resist all these questions. If this is the case, she will usually do more harm than good to push. But, there’s nothing stopping you from just mentioning how you’re going to handle things.
And it’s very important that you handle things in a very deliberate way. You want him to miss you and long for you during this separation. So don’t present yourself as someone who is depressed and sitting at home regretting how things are going. Go out with the friends you stay with. Put a smile on your face. You don’t need to exaggerate. But he wants her husband to see and remember that vibrant, enthusiastic woman he fell in love with. And, you want him to want to come to her.