I recently heard from a woman who didn’t know how to proceed in her marriage. About six months ago, her husband had decided that he wanted to divorce her. And even she had gone so far as to consult a lawyer and started filing the paperwork. This had caused quite a stir in her household. The wife was very clear that she did not want a divorce, but her husband seemed determined to move on. Finally, the wife herself theorized that she wasn’t going to change her mind, so she might as well find a way to live with it.
Once she began to get used to the idea that a divorce could actually happen, the husband changed his mind and decided that maybe he didn’t want a divorce after all. This left the wife very confused. She had to admit that she was a little relieved, but also a little skeptical. She simply couldn’t understand what had caused her husband’s change of heart and she was reluctant to fully commit to saving the marriage for fear that the husband would change his mind once more.
Paraphrasing the wife, she said, in part: “To be honest, I don’t want a divorce. But I also can’t stand this back and forth all the time. I can adapt and I accept whatever comes my way. But it’s hard for me when it keeps changing my mind. I want to save my marriage, but I just don’t believe or trust that he really knows what he wants. How do I proceed with this? I’ll tell you what I told the wife in the next article.
Why a husband might change his mind about a divorce: The husband had not been able to explain his change of heart to the wife. She very much wanted a reason for her “scruffy attitude” from her (as she called it). The husband couldn’t seem to articulate this. He gave her vague statements like “I just decided that I want to give our marriage one more chance.” Or, “I just don’t want to make a hasty decision that I might later regret.”
I did not personally know this couple. But I could share with the wife what husbands sometimes tell me in this same situation. They often file for divorce when they are so frustrated that they don’t know what else to do. They are often trying to get their wife’s attention or to make a dramatic statement. Sometimes they don’t get the reaction they expected. Other times, they simply realize that they were hasty or wrong in some of their assumptions. And there are times when, once this life-changing action is taken, they can suddenly look at their wife, their family, or their life with a new look and realize they’re not ready to give up. for good still. A divorce is an important decision in life. I know it’s frustrating when people change their minds, but it’s not unusual and it’s understandable.
Deciding how to proceed when your husband changes his mind about the divorce: Once the wife was able to put aside her shock, fear, and frustration, it became quite clear to her that she never wanted a divorce in the first place. To me, this was more important than trying to pin down to her husband exactly and precisely what he was thinking and why he was wrong to change his mind so abruptly.
At the end of the day, this is a difficult situation, but within her was a chance to get her marriage and her husband back. In my opinion, this was the main theme to remember. Now, with that being said, it would eventually become very important for the couple to find out what led him to file for divorce. They were going to have to eliminate these problems so they wouldn’t have to deal with them again sometime down the road.
And, as he suspected, the wife wanted answers immediately and wanted a VIP pass into her husband’s mind and heart, even though it was very obvious that he was resisting this. It made more sense to me to try to relieve some of the very destructive tension that was pervading her home. Things were very awkward between them. There was a lot of anger and no one was really speaking freely or even trying to improve the situation.
So, it was going to be quite difficult to gain ground in this kind of atmosphere. Before they could make any real progress, I felt it was probably wise to change and improve the atmosphere before any major changes or attempts were made. This process would be so much easier if you could restore some of the joyful happiness that used to define your marriage. I told the wife to try to keep things upbeat and for her to try to have a little fun and reconnect before trying to make any big changes. There is nothing wrong with her going slow and taking things one day at a time. Sometimes we put too much pressure on the situation and on ourselves and in the end we risk what we love most.
Lasting improvements in your marriage are much easier to achieve if both people are equally committed to making it work. Keeping things fun and light-hearted helps keep the benefits going so both people really want to keep going. Of course, there were no guarantees that I could give this wife to ensure that her husband would not change his mind about the divorce again. But now she had the chance to try to stop the divorce once and for all if she handled this correctly. This is what she wanted all along. I felt it was better for her to focus on the situation in front of her than to go crazy and be distracted by her husband’s change of mind.
At the end of the day, she had to ask herself what she really wanted and then do everything she could to move towards that path instead of continuing to question the path they had been on and that it was best left in the past.