Sometimes I hear of wives beginning to believe that their estranged husbands will never come home. Often, they have tried to wait patiently and be optimistic, but these things have not helped much.
I heard a wife say, “During the first few weeks of our separation, I tried very hard to hope that my husband would come home very soon. The hope was that he would miss me so much that he would cancel his new apartment and come back to me.” But as the weeks turned into months, I started to lose hope. I admit I’m having a hard time giving my husband space. I call and come in a lot. Some days, he seems happy to see me and other days, he makes excuses. and he doesn’t even interact with me. He’s secretive about how he’s living his life or dating other people. I’m at the point where I don’t think he’s coming back, but when I tell him this, he says I have no reason to believe it and that I choose to see only the negative. I just can’t help it. I haven’t seen any signs that he has immediate plans to return. So what’s a wife supposed to do when she realizes he’s not likely to return? I’ll tell you my feelings on this below.
First of all, I fully understand how this wife felt. I’ve been in this situation and I know how sickening it can be when you have that sinking feeling that you could carry on alone when he doesn’t come back. It is a terrible and desperate feeling. However, I must point out that this husband was telling his wife very directly that he was not indicating that he would never come home. He was just telling her that he needed more time. And the wife had openly admitted that she was not giving her husband the time he was asking for. Basically, she got close to him every day. She had never tried the strategy of backing up a bit to see if it would help the situation.
Personally, I didn’t think she necessarily had to give up just yet. There was nothing to say that she couldn’t back off a bit and start living her life instead of putting it on hold. This did not mean that she was giving up on her marriage. It just wouldn’t mean she was giving up on herself anymore. I know that starting to live your life can sound overwhelming at times when you are apart. But, it actually makes you feel a little better most of the time. You feel like you are actively participating in life instead of desperately watching it go by. And, I’ll tell you something else. It’s common for husbands to suddenly take a little interest in you when you’re not that strong. The thing is, they’re often so used to hearing or seeing you on a regular basis that when you’re quiet for a while, they’re suddenly curious. Suddenly, they start to wonder what the heck has changed.
I can’t promise that this will happen every time, but I have seen it happen several times. Often, once you give him the space he’s asked for, then the separation process can really begin. As he is getting his space and time to think, he will be free to evaluate what he really wants, what he is willing to contribute, and he will have the opportunity to miss you.
I eventually got to see him like this. There was really no downside to getting up, dusting myself off, and starting to live my life. Of course, I hoped that giving him space would help my marriage. But I told myself that even if it didn’t, it was time for me to start moving forward. It wasn’t good for me to live in limbo without enjoying my life. I figured if he came back, it would be wonderful, but if he didn’t, well, then it was time for me to stand up anyway.
Over time, most women get tired of waiting for someone else to dictate their future. You have the ability to decide how you want to live today and tomorrow. Do you really want to live it in misery and feeling like you’re on hold? I’m not implying that you should move on as if your marriage is over because you don’t know it right now. What I’m saying is that it makes sense to stop living while you wait. You can live your best life while expecting the best. And sometimes this will actually help encourage your husband to accept it because seeing that you respect yourself enough to live again will make him respect you more and this will make you seem more attractive to him.