People often tell me that they have found someone who has some serious flaws, but plan to marry them despite those flaws. The person may be a serious alcoholic or drug addict, a compulsive gambler or sex addict, or a violent person or even a criminal. How can they justify such a relationship? Planning to change or reform the person.
This is a trap that is easy to fall into. . . and it nearly always ends in failure, injury, and despair for the reformer.
To think that you are going to reform someone who has a serious and difficult problem to deal with is illogical, but people do it all the time. I have seen this most often with women who wanted to change an abusive or addicted man. Many thought they could save their marriage by campaigning to improve their husband’s behavior.
The woman may care about the man and may find his good traits very attractive and compelling, so she wants to find a way to make it work. And she thinks: If I do my best and love him the way he needs to be loved, we can get over his problem together!
That may be a brave or noble idea, but it rarely works. In reality, men with serious relationship problems often don’t want to change, even if they say they do, and it is very difficult to change, even if the man is motivated and accepts help.
A lot of love, patience, and kindness will not change the person or remove the underlying conflict. It seems like that should work, but it rarely does. And it can take years to try, before the woman gives up and leaves him.
Relationship experts will tell you. . . Do not try! You will only get hurt.
I have seen countless cases where reforming spouses gave everything they had and burned themselves out trying to reform their lover or partner, especially in abusive or violent relationships. Men who resort to domestic violence need professional help. It’s best not to try to be their therapist.
If you want to avoid getting into another abusive relationship, make sure you don’t get involved with someone who needs to change! If you need to change to become a suitable partner, stay away! There are other men to consider.
Take your time and find a good one, not only for your own well-being, but also for that of your children, friends and family. Everyone will be affected by your decision!
How do you know whether to stay in the relationship?
You should be happy with the person at first, just the way he is. If not, then don’t continue the relationship. Help yourself by staying away from a bad relationship.
Just think what can happen if you bring an abusive or addicted person into your family. Think of the heartbreak ahead.
Ultimately, one of the keys to successful relationships is saying “no.” A person has to know when to say no and mean it. No matter how attractive your friend may be, if he or she needs to reform, just say No!