I did a couple of radio shows this week and a common theme has been why so many of us fall for the “wrong guy.” Mal could mean he treats you like crap, won’t commit, or just doesn’t have the qualities you’re looking for in a lifelong partner.
Yet even in our 40s, 50s, and even 60s, we can pick out these bad boys…and then stick to them like glue.
I blame the chemistry. Yes. That is what attracts us and catches us. We tend to take it very seriously. So seriously that it often trumps all other data. It’s like once you decide it’s hot and possibly the one, all evidence to the contrary is invisible or seems irrelevant.
Look: if you just want to have sex, go for the hot men. But if you want to be adored, challenged, trusted, loved and pleased… learn to think beyond that superficiality to find the real good guys. Sure… you want to be attracted to him. But to make good decisions, you have to discover what’s beyond his appearance and get over the idea that you must feel dizzy when you meet him.
I dug up a post from last year to help you with this. Happy reading. Let me know what you think.
Have you let your hot man through?
I know we all love George Clooney, who doesn’t? But which other famous men float your boat? I sometimes ask that question when I start helping a fabulous new woman learn how to better enjoy her dating experience. I ask because it helps me understand the “type” of her. (At least the kind she thinks she wants when we started training.)
So I asked Stephanie that question. Her answer: Kevin James and John Stewart. She loves these guys and she thinks they’re hot!
Fast forward a couple of weeks and we are working to help her be open to new types of men; at least give them a chance. You tend to judge rather quickly when you meet someone new. (And you?) That tells me it’s mostly a judgment on physical attributes. You can call it chemistry, I call it looks.
Then it occurs to me: Kevin James and John Stewart are the answer! Let’s be honest; those guys couldn’t even shine George’s shoes in the appearance department.
So I ask: If Kevin James came up to you at the grocery store and tried to strike up a conversation, would you be open and encouraging or would you stay focused on picking your apples?
We all know the answer: Wow! Look at those delicious apples!!
It would go something like this: he says a few words to you, he’s obviously trying to connect; she decides that you are “not attracted” to him; you continue to pack your apples; he shrugs and leaves. (By the way, I feel terrible, thank you very much). You just lost the chance to have a girlfriend for life. The man you’ve been dreaming of is gone forever.
I’m pretty sure things like humor, integrity, and intelligence are on the list of character traits you look for in a partner. (If you haven’t created or updated your list lately, I highly recommend it.) Now seriously… you’ll know in a few minutes if a man has those traits… how?
I understand that attraction is very important. But it can and does grow as you get to know people. It’s just a fact. So the next time you have that man in front of you (or picture of him) and you’ve decided you’re not attracted to him…can you stop and reconsider?
Stay open, be kind and compassionate… and take a look at your personality and character. Be an adult. If you do, you might meet your Kevin James.