I often hear from people who want to know if their marriage has a chance after being unfaithful or having an affair. They are often faced with a very angry spouse who feels a lot of negative emotions towards them. So things can feel a bit hopeless, especially at first.
I recently heard from a wife who said in part, “I had an affair a couple of months ago. It didn’t last long and I didn’t even entertain the idea of leaving my husband. In fact, I still love my husband and I desperately want to save my marriage. But my husband openly admits that he hates me for having an affair. He says he’s willing to try to save our marriage. But his tone of voice doesn’t give me much hope. He looks “Hate in his eyes. I understand why he feels the way he does and I don’t blame him at all. But does my marriage have a chance when he hates me so much now? Will you ever change your mind? Or should I save both of us a lot of heartache and go now?
These are difficult questions because the answers vary depending on the couple and the circumstances involved. However, you often won’t know if your marriage has a chance until you hang in there and see for yourself. If you give up and walk away, you may never really know what might have happened if you had seen it. That said, there are things you can do to give your marriage a better chance of survival, which I’ll talk about later.
Understand that your spouse’s strong emotions can be a positive sign: I know this may not make sense to you right now, but having your spouse say they hate you or even show extreme anger towards you isn’t always the worst thing to experience. Because your spouse’s strong feelings can be indicative of how much you care about them. If he didn’t have real or strong feelings for you, his reaction might not be as dramatic or strong as it is now. For me, it’s always most disheartening to see a spouse walk away calmly without much fanfare or anger. This reaction is more indicative that the marriage is less likely to survive. Because the betrayed spouse is not experiencing strong emotions, they are more likely to end up completely with very few regrets about it.
What you might be seeing is hate for your actions instead of actual hate for you: I have to be honest and admit that I told my husband I hated him countless times after he cheated on me. And I meant every word I said in that moment. It took me a while to realize that he hated what he did instead of hating him as a person. I don’t think it’s that common to go from feeling love to feeling hate in the blink of an eye. Yes, you can absolutely hate the fact that your spouse betrayed you and had an affair. You can hate his judgment and lack of impulse control. But sometimes you realize you don’t really hate them as a person.
Once I calmed down, I couldn’t deny the fact that my husband had always been a solid person who was always there for me. I couldn’t forget how he supported me, loved me and protected me through many years of our married life. It’s so easy to forget all the good when you’re faced with such a horrible display of the bad. But eventually, most people start to remember the good stuff and gain some perspective.
To get over negative feelings more quickly, you need to show your spouse some positive rehabilitation: I understand that it may feel horrible to hear your spouse say that even though they will try to save your marriage, they are hesitant because of their own feelings of hate. It’s normal to want to change your mind right away. However, you need to understand that they will probably want to see several things from you before they can start to change their minds or let go of some of their hate.
First, they must truly believe that you are sorry for cheating. They must believe that you understand exactly why and how you are wrong and take full responsibility for what was ultimately your own decision. They have to believe that you’re so sorry that you wouldn’t dare risk your marriage like this even again. If you still don’t feel these things, it’s probably best to back off until you do. It’s not fair to ask your spouse to take back his feelings when you’re not sure about yours.
In short, if you want to be forgiven, you must act in a way that makes you forgivable. This means putting the blame exactly where it belongs: with you. It also means that you take responsibility for devising and leading the way that will get you out of here. You shouldn’t just sit back and wait for your spouse to make your every move or lead the way. That really depends on you. Yes, they can think of following you if they believe in your sincerity. But taking the first step is not really up to them. It’s your decision.
There is no quick or overnight answer or remedy. Restoring trust and commitment takes time. They are likely to be reeling from the pain, confusion, and uncertainty they are experiencing. You cannot expect them to immediately allay their doubts and fears for your own good. It is perfectly natural for them to feel some reluctance and give in to the urge to hurt you as much as you have hurt them.
This phase often doesn’t last forever, but it helps if you understand them and then validate them by telling them that you not only understand but also don’t blame them. And that, because of this, he is willing to have the patience to allow them the space and time to grieve before working together to heal.