As we prepare for the arrival of another little one at our home, we have been reviewing old memories of the first time we adopted. Our two adopted children are teenagers now and have a different perspective than they did in the past. More aware now, they are considering how they felt when they came into the family at 5 and 6 years old.
Tim and I are looking back at all the ways we work to make them feel loved and accepted. We’re considering the hours of role-playing we did (along with Ezra, who was eight at the time) in order to respond to disruptive and often violent behavior. The conversations and questioning that occurred at the end of each long and usually exhausting day were filled with frustration, but also with encouragement and recognition of milestones.
Everyone in the house has been doing quite well for a while now. We have what we would consider a normal hormonal teen kickback, but overall, things are fine, I guess you could say, normal. BUT, there are things that happen that in the back of my mind I know I could avoid by approaching my children in a similar way to how I did when they first came home. The problem is balance. How do you know what comes from feelings of rejection and what is a simple sin? I believe that any parent whose child has been traumatized has to grapple with what is trauma and what it is just to be a rebellious human. Unfortunately, the people around us who are watching us often feel that children should be “over it” by now. When that happens, the temptation is to discipline in the same way as everyone around you and you miss the opportunity to address the real pain and work towards healing. On the other hand, though, an even bigger question I’ve been grappling with lately is, am I making excuses for my kids when they’re wrong?
We have been attending family counseling to prepare for this adoption and our counselor agrees that children with a history of trauma often relapse into adolescence. It was good to hear that. (Not because I want them to relapse, but because this confirms my suspicions.) It’s been good to hear that we’re not crazy to be wary of falling too hard when negative conversations start. All that to say, I feel like we’re a little rusty. These kids have been bears for almost 8 years. They belong to us and we have bonded together in the same way that a parent MUST bond with their child. With that comes the feeling that we are done with the “special” part of parenting, but that is not necessarily true.
I am grateful that we are doing the training again. Grateful for the reminders that trauma doesn’t just “go away.” I’m glad for the renewed conversations and honing the rusty skills. In a video, we saw that the therapist emphasized that raising adoptive children is clearly different from raising biological children. It comes with an emotional baggage on both sides that is simply not present when you physically deliver a baby. Instinctively I know (as I suppose most adoptive parents should), but it’s good to hear it from someone else. I also know that her pain is not gone. It hits them, like any injury, at unexpected times. It manifests itself in bad behavior, but also in obvious signs of grief.
After all, they still cry over missing their former adoptive family. They still have terrible memories of neglect and abuse. The loss, for them, started early and they still suffer from it. The question in my mind then is, how much to focus on the loss? It is not your whole life. They have a lot of good things going on, a lot of good things to look forward to.
So we take it as it comes. When loss and pain look us in the face, we respond and in between we laugh, love, and have fun. Isn’t that how we should always face life?
“Who among you, by worrying, can add an hour to your life? Since you can’t do this little thing, why worry about the rest? Consider how wildflowers grow. They don’t work or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor dressed like one of these. If this is how God dresses the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow he will throw himself into the fire, how much more will he dress you? And do not put your heart on what you will eat or drink, do not worry because the pagan world runs after all these things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will also be given to you. Do not be afraid, little flock, because your Father was pleased to give you the kingdom. ” Jesus’ words in Luke 12: 25-32