In the last decade, a lot has changed in the world of love addiction. It’s not that love addiction itself has changed. It’s pretty much the same insidious mess it’s always been. What has changed is how the world sees it. Twenty years ago, our understanding of love addiction was still emerging from our understanding of codependency. Therefore, love addiction and codependency seemed to be the same thing. However, today we understand that this is not true. Love addiction is independent, and codependency is just one of several underlying personality disorders. To make it perfectly clear how one love addict differs from another, here is a list:
Obsessed love addicts (OLA) cannot let go, even if their partners are:
Emotionally or sexually unavailable; fear of committing; cannot communicate; Loveless; distant; abusive; controlling and dictatorial; egocentric; selfish; or addicted to something outside of the relationship (hobbies, drugs, alcohol, sex, another person, gambling, shopping, etc.)
Codependent love addicts (CLA) are the most recognized. They fit a pretty standard profile. Most of them suffer from low self-esteem and have some predictable way of thinking, feeling and behaving. This means that from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem, they desperately try to hold on to the people they are addicted to through codependent behavior. This includes allowing, rescuing, nurturing, passive-aggressive control, and accepting neglect or abuse. In general, CLAs will do anything to “take care” of their partners in the hope that they don’t leave, or that they will one day reciprocate.
Relationship addicts (RAs), unlike other love addicts, are no longer in love with their partners, but they cannot let it go. They are usually so unhappy that the relationship often affects their health, spirit, and emotional well-being. Even if their partner hits them and they are in danger, they can’t let go. They are afraid of being alone. They are afraid of change. They do not want to hurt or abandon their partners. This can be described as “I hate that you won’t leave me.”
Narcissistic love addicts (NLAs) use dominance, seduction, and retention to control their partners. Unlike codependents, who take a lot of discomfort, narcissists will not tolerate anything that interferes with their happiness. They are self-absorbed and their low self-esteem is masked by their grandiosity. Also, instead of appearing relationship-obsessed, NLAs appear aloof and uncaring. They don’t seem to be addicted at all. You rarely realize that NLAs are hooked until you try to leave them. Then they will no longer be distant and indifferent. They will panic and use anything at their disposal to maintain the relationship, including violence. Many professionals have rejected the idea that narcissists can be addicted to love. This may be because they rarely come for treatment. However, if you’ve ever seen how some narcissists react to perceived or actual abandonment, you’ll see that they are, in fact, “hooked.”
Ambivalent love addicts (ALA sufferers) avoid personality disorder, or what the SLAA calls emotional anorexia. It’s not hard for them to let go, it’s hard for them to move on. They desperately long for love, but at the same time they are terrified of intimacy. This combination is agonizing. AThem come in different forms too. They are listed below.
Torchbearers are ALA who become obsessed with someone who is not available. This can be done without acting (suffering in silence) or by pursuing the person they are in love with. Some torchbearers are more addicted than others. This type of addiction feeds on fantasies and illusions. It is also known as unrequited love.
Spoilers are ALAs who destroy relationships when they start to get serious or anytime their fear of intimacy arises. This can be anytime, before the first date, after the first date, after sex, after the topic of commitment comes up, anytime.
The seductive retained are ALA that always come to you when they want sex or company. When they get scared or feel insecure, they start denying company, sex, affection, anything that makes them feel anxious. If they leave the relationship when they get scared, they are just saboteurs. If they keep repeating the available/unavailable pattern, they are seductive retainers.
Romance addicts are ALA who are addicted to multiple partners. Unlike sex addicts, who try to avoid bonding altogether, romance addicts bond with each of their partners, to one degree or another, even if the romantic relationships are short-lived or occur simultaneously. By “romance” I mean sexual passion and pseudo-emotional intimacy. Keep in mind that while romance addicts do bond with each of their partners to some degree, their goal (besides getting high on romance and drama) is to avoid committing or bonding on a deeper level with a partner. partner. Romance addicts are often confused with sex addicts.
A note about ALAs: Not all avoiders are addicted to love. If you accept your fear of intimacy and social situations, and don’t hook up with people who aren’t available, or just keep your social circle small and non-threatening, you’re not necessarily an ALA. But if you’re craving one person who’s unavailable year after year, or sabotaging one relationship after another, or having serial flings, or only feeling close when you’re with another avoidant, you may be an ambivalent love addict.
Combinations: You may find that you have more than one type of love addiction. Many of these types overlap and combine with other behavior problems. For example, you may be a codependent and alcoholic love addict. Or a love/relationship addict. The important thing is to identify your own personal profile so that you know what you are up against.
Robert was a love addict, a relationship addict, a romance addict, and a sex addict. He was married but did not want to divorce her wife of twenty years even though he was not in love with her (relationship addiction). His hobby was masturbating to pornography when his wife was not home (sex addiction). He had affairs with several other women simultaneously without his wife knowing. He really cared for each of these women (addicted to romance). One day he met Jennifer and fell in love with her. It wasn’t long before he was obsessed with her. She didn’t want to be with him because she was married, so she started stalking and harassing her (addicted to love). Robert eventually recovered, divorced his wife, gave up pornography and affairs, and married the woman he was obsessed with. At first his jealousy was out of control, but after a few years of therapy and 12-step meetings, he began to trust his new wife. Because she was mature, well-grounded, and had high self-esteem, the relationship began to normalize. Today, all of Robert’s addictions are in remission.
Narcissists and Codependents: It is very common for love addicts to end up in relationships with other love addicts. The most common type of love-addicted partner is, as you may have guessed, the codependent and the narcissistic. At first, narcissists are often seductive. However, having hooked their codependent partners, they switch. Here is an example of a narcissistic/codependent relationship.
Nancy and James met at a bar and were instantly attracted to each other. Within days, Nancy (the codependent) fell head over heels for James (the narcissist). From the beginning, she was helpful, caring, caring, and went out of her way to make him happy. James, on the other hand, seemed to be able to take or leave the relationship after making love. He canceled appointments, forgot to return phone calls, saw other women, became very domineering, and for the most part seemed aloof and aloof. Even so, six months later, Nancy married James because she was in love with him and she secretly hoped he would change.
After Nancy and James got married, the pattern of abandonment continued, especially his affairs with other women. When Nancy objected, James bullied her until she stopped berating him for it. This comes from years ago. Nancy tried to save her marriage by placating James in every way she could think of, but he kept doing what he wanted. Eventually, she Nancy stopped loving James and thought about leaving him, but she just couldn’t bring herself to face the loneliness of being single again. This was better than nothing, she thought to herself. So she continued her codependent behavior on her, always trying to keep James happy and comfortable, even if it meant sacrificing her own happiness in the process. Eventually, Nancy sought counseling and within a year she felt strong enough to leave James. She had other ideas. The first time Nancy brought up the subject of her divorce, he laughed at her. He then verbally threatened her. The day she filed her divorce papers with him, he hit her so hard that she had to go to the hospital. It seems that despite her lack of love and respect for Nancy, James was addicted to her and their shared relationship with her. She also felt that if he couldn’t have her, no one else could.
Eventually, Nancy moved away from James despite him harassing her for months and threatening to kill her if she didn’t return. Fortunately, she finally lets him go. Yet one only has to read the newspapers to realize that such a lethal combination of codependency and narcissism can lead to murder.
Sudden Switch: Many love addicts switch sudden because they have more than one underlying personality disorder. For example, a relationship addict may play the role of codependent for years, then finally get out of the relationship and fall in love with someone who is unavailable. Suddenly our relationship junkie is either an obsessed love junkie or a flag bearer. Even narcissists change with a bang, believe it or not. For years, they are in one relationship after another, playing the role of the dominant and indifferent partner. However, if they ever fall in love, they can easily become a torchbearer or an obsessed love addict. If they fall for another narcissist, then they have no choice but to become the codependent love addict in the relationship because the narcissist will not tolerate anything else. Even ambivalent love addicts will start to obsess rather than run away when addicted.
Love addicts change suddenly due to separation anxiety. If another form of behavior is necessary to place a partner and retain it, the love addict will adopt that behavior. Is it an act? Sometimes… but if the love addict has weak personality boundaries, they can actually become the other person while under the addiction’s spell. explain it, but point it out and learn from it.
Conclusion: The Importance of All This: If all this seems complicated, it is. And to be honest, the only reason it matters is because it makes a difference when it comes to treatment. Codependent love addicts, for example, need a boost in self-esteem and self-acceptance. They must learn to think better of themselves. Narcissistic love addicts, on the other hand, use grandiosity to reinforce their low self-esteem and down-to-earth need. They need to learn some humility and how to become “selfless”. Mixed love addicts need to find a healthy relationship and stay committed even when their fear threatens to overwhelm them. Above all, understanding as much as you can about love addiction will form the basis of your LAA Fourth Step Inventory or set the stage for professional therapy.