Treatment that most people would consider “unacceptable” is not only tolerated, but expected by adult children, who grew up with alcoholism, para-alcoholism, and dysfunction.
“Adult children are dependent personalities, viewing abuse and inappropriate behavior as normal,” according to the textbook “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (World Service Organization, 2006, p. 18). “Or, if they complain about the abuse, they feel powerless to do anything about it.”
Both captive and powerless, these children are forced to face adversity and, at its extreme, abuse, which can take verbal, nonverbal, emotional, physical, psychological, religious, sexual, and manipulative forms on the part of parents or caregivers. principals to whom they seek and in whom they place their trust. Being treated inappropriately that they do not deserve is a concept that is not considered. The treatment, they reason, is justified either because of their infractions or simply because they are unworthy, inadequate, or unlovable.
Instead of being built on confidence, self-confidence, and self-esteem, they are progressively undermined and reduced in what can be both overt and subtly demoralizing.
“We believe that hitting, threatening, projection, belittling, and indifference are the delivery mechanisms that drive the disease of family dysfunction deep into us,” continues the textbook “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (Ibid, p. 27).
Although verbal abuse does not leave physical scars, it can be just as damaging as its physical counterpart, because it leaves a scar on the psyche and soul. Unable, at times, to gain her parents’ approval, acceptance, and validation, an adult son is unable to gain a meaningful or consistent sense of self-worth, deluding him into believing that he is inferior, not equal, or superior. -by with the group of her companions.
It also generates a toxic shame, that is, it feels shame for what it mistakenly believes it is in its essence: a defective being.
While adversity and unacceptable behavior may be temporary with others later in life, children have no recourse or ability, in their developmental state, to walk away from what becomes the cumulative effects of some two decades of exposition. “Scars” only become detectable through behavioral manifestations, such as isolation, fear of authority figures, unhealthy or meaningless relationships, fears, insecurities, phobias, codependency, hypervigilance, dissociation , compulsions and addictions.
Slightly unpleasant at one end of the spectrum to function and intolerably interruptible at the other, these manifestations are what Freud called “repetition compulsions,” or the brain’s need to repeat and even re-create what it couldn’t fully process the first time and lost. will do. keep cycling through it until you delete it. Due to its severity, the person will most likely not be able to do it on their own, without some degree of twelve-step therapy or intervention.
They certainly erode a person’s quality of life, if not completely limit their participation in parts of it, as they keep one foot in the present and the other in an unresolved past, resulting in the “adult ” and “child”. nature of the adult child syndrome.
“We are adults suffering from the effects of alcoholism and dysfunctional families,” advises the textbook “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (ibid., p. 71). “Child abuse and our adult lives created unbearable living conditions in body, mind and spirit for us as adults. Adult children have been described as ‘walking wounded’, strutting about in a state of emotional and spiritual bankruptcy while claiming to be ‘ penalty fee.'”
Primed and groomed, tough-skinned, and with high degrees of tolerance for unacceptable behavior, they cross the threshold into adulthood, carrying the experiences of their homes of origin into the outside world and expecting others to repeat them.
Logic would dictate that they would repel similar circumstances as adults with partners or spouses, but the opposite, ironically and paradoxically, is true, as they attract those who display similar personality traits because they know them. Like a garment that is uncomfortable and doesn’t “fit,” this relationship matches that of the parents they experienced, and over time their discomfort transforms and stretches into something that becomes adjustably tolerable, thus preparing them for a ” second round” of lasting experiences. harmful behavior.
“We continue to choose insecure relationships because they coincide with our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents,” notes the textbook “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (ibid., p. 589).
In regression, they may revert to the submissive role, subconsciously substituting their partners for their parents and trying to “get it right this time” by pandering and placating them. Countless adult children have found, after a significant recovery, that they ended up marrying surrogate mothers and fathers, thus repeating the cycle of childhood into adulthood. The late John Bradshaw often expressed this dynamic by stating, “When you don’t know your history, you are doomed to repeat it.”
Behavioral modeling, chronic exposure to such treatment, and the belief that they deserved it during their childhood were many of the factors that led to tolerance.
“I firmly believe that these difficulties have a lot to do with my growing up with alcoholism,” according to a recovering member, writing in Al-Amon’s “Hope for Today” (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 2002, p. .69). “Because I rarely experienced acceptable behavior, I thought unacceptable behavior was normal.”
Although these factors explain how unpleasant this tolerant foundation was, they fail to identify why some refuse to end what can be an abusive or even dangerous relationship. That element is the fear of abandonment, of being alone.
“We stay in abusive relationships because they resemble how we were raised,” continues the textbook “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (op. cit., p. 197). “We’re terrified of abandonment, so we tolerate high levels of abuse or neglect as adults. Abuse seems normal.”
A significant amount of understanding and restoration work is needed to even begin to dismantle the flawed foundation on which an adult child rests his or her life. But an effective method of minimizing such treatment once it has begun is to set limits, invisible walls, built brick by brick, of accepted and unaccepted behaviors that a person will tolerate.
“When I think about boundaries, it helps if I think about a castle on a lake,” according to another recovering member, writing in “Hope for Today” (op. cit., p. 286). “Boundaries are the drawbridge that connects the castle to the world. Usually the drawbridge is down and people can freely walk from one side to the other. However, when danger is detected, the drawbridge is raised to protect the castle.
“One of the first things I heard in Al-Anon was that we didn’t have to accept unacceptable behavior,” according to their text “Courage to Change” (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992, p. 51). “This idea helped me see that I don’t need to tolerate violence or abuse, and that I had options that I hadn’t even recognized before. I set some boundaries, not to control others, but to give myself guidelines…”
Reducing or minimizing unacceptable interactions requires several steps. The first, of course, is to understand the origin of tolerance. The second is to determine the degree, if any, of the other person’s rationality, stability, hurt, and addictive state at the time, whether due to alcohol or substance abuse. The third is to understand that negative treatment may have little to do with the worth or deservingness of the other and everything to do with the deficiency of the one who gives it. The fourth is to understand that whoever accepts this deal can trigger and escalate it through rebuttal and anger, causing volatility. Ultimately, the only solution may be detachment and disconnection to avoid what is likely to be a repeat of countless previous episodes, none of which bore any reparative fruit.
Take a walk in a park or work it out with a trusted friend or sponsor, and finally conclude, all frustration on the contrary, that the other person cannot see or understand the consequences and the effects that he causes.
“Looking back, I can accept that a lot of the unacceptable behavior was directed at me”, according to a member of “Courage to Change” (op. cit., p. 36), “but I was the one who sat up and took it” . and often came back for more. He was a willing participant in a dance that required two partners. I felt like a victim, but in many ways, I was a volunteer.”
The right to respect for others begins with respect for oneself. A person teaches others how to treat him through limits and the acceptance or rejection of his actions, behaviors and interactions. And the more a person understands their childhood origins and regains their sense of self-worth, the less likely they are to tolerate negatives.
Article sources:
“Adult Children of Alcoholics”. Torrence, California; World Service Organization, 2006.
“Courage to change”. Virginia Beach, Virginia: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992.
“Hope for today.” Virginia Beach, Virginia: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 2002.