Sometimes I hear from spouses who, during a separation or breakup that they had requested themselves, suddenly realized what a big mistake they had made. I often hear comments like “I’m the one who pushed for separation. I really thought I had fallen in love with my spouse. But, now that we are apart, I realize that I still have a tremendous amount of love.” for him and I don’t want to leave this marriage. Now I realize that I made a big mistake, but I don’t know how to approach it. He begged me to reconsider the separation and I refused. Now, he may be moving and I don’t know how to tell him how stupid I really was. “
Of course, many people in this situation worry that this discovery has come too late. The real fear is that your spouse has finally come to your mind about separation, when now, that’s the last thing you want. In the following article, I’ll go over some tips to consider if you find yourself in this situation.
It is better to realize your mistake about the separation late than to never realize it: Many people in this situation fear that it is too late to change their mind. They worry that their spouse is resentful and rejects them. And they suspect this is going to hurt even more because of their change of mind. The truth is, you often don’t know what is going to happen and your actions and how you approach this could make a difference. Not only that, but having a late understanding is better than having no understanding at all.
Sure, it’s not optimal that you didn’t realize how much you loved your spouse until they broke up. But, sometimes, distance and time are what are needed for this realization to be possible. And you better come to this conclusion now, before things are beyond repair. Your attitude about it can influence the outcome, so try not to punish yourself too much. You realize your mistake and now is the time to promise that you will make up for it. Once you’ve done that, this is really all you can do. It is time to act. Unfortunately, you cannot go back in time. But you can take responsibility and deal as best you can with the situation you have created.
Deciding whether to tell your spouse about your change of mind: I know it is tempting to rush in and tell your spouse about your change of mind and ask for forgiveness. And, if you are sure that they feel exactly the same way you do, this may make sense. But, if your spouse is harboring some confusion, resentment, or uncertainty, it is sometimes advisable to have him sit down in his own way before throwing this at him.
And, if nothing has been done to change the issues that led to the separation in the first place, you could be setting yourself up for failure. So it can be helpful to take an inventory of where you are now. Changing feelings and sudden realizations are a good starting point, but they are often not enough. And you really only get one chance to broach this topic. So you need to make sure you have a good idea of how receptive your spouse might be or how they might react. Sometimes it is best to delay this conversation until you can begin to rebuild some common ground and the tension begins to subside. You want to start from a place of strength rather than a place of weakness, and you do not want to offer all kinds of promises or accomplishments that may seem false or receive a “too little too late” response.
Many spouses who have stayed harbor at least some resentment. It is important that you are aware of this and do not expect to be welcomed with open arms or without a real plan to change things for the better and in the long term.
Laying the foundations for a reconciliation: Of course, if you are now realizing that the breakup was a mistake, then you probably want to go home the most and get your old life back. However, gradual changes are usually more durable and credible. I often suggest that you move slowly and feel your way. Rather than asking to be welcomed right away, I think you will often be more successful if you focus on improving the day-to-day relationship you have right now.
Thinking that you are going to reform your marriage overnight or unloading a big change in attitude on your spouse may be asking too much. But if you can slowly start to change your daily interactions so that you both want more and build on this, chances are you’ll find out when you broach the topic of the mistake you made and your desire to go home. , you are sure to come across a much more positive and less perplexed answer.