Sometimes I hear from people whose spouse has announced that they want to separate or divorce. Most people I hear from disagree with this, but of course there are two people in any marriage, so just one person wanting to stay together doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to happen. Therefore, many of the spouses who do not want to separate (even temporarily) will try many different methods to force their spouse to change their mind. Many will try to use logic and repeated arguments. Or they will try coercion or gentle pressure. When none of these work, they will often try to step up their game to negative or “tough love” tactics where they try to coerce or scare their husband into changing his mind.
Someone might say, “My husband initially said he wanted a divorce, but then I got really upset and begged him to think about our kids. So he backed off a bit and said maybe we could consider a separation. The thing is, no.” I don’t want a separation either. It would be disastrous for our family and my husband is really being a baby going through a mid-life crisis. We do not need to separate or divorce. He just needs a little dose of reality so he can realize how good he has it. I have tried many things to make you realize this. I’ve tried to be very nice, but he doesn’t play ball. So now I’m trying to think of a strategy to scare him into dropping him. The whole thing. I’ve thought about telling him I won’t make it easy for him to see the kids, but my friends warn me not to. They say it’s a low blow. Aside from threatening to financially take him to the cleaners or telling him that he will never find anything that makes him happier, what can I do to scare him? East?”
I know what you’re going through. When my husband wanted to separate, I tried many tactics to get him to change his mind. I’m going to tell you what I learned through experience, although you may not like what I’m going to say. Many of the tactics that we find attractive are short-term tactics because we want immediate results. Our worst fear is separation or divorce, so we are willing to do almost anything to prevent that from happening. However, because we are so afraid, we feel like we need results now. We feel like we can’t afford to wait even a bit. But in my experience, those short-term tactics not only don’t work, they also make things worse. I am still married today, but I ended the breakup and saved my marriage using long-term tactics. This was difficult because I also wanted immediate results. But if I had stayed with those plans that were based on my husband’s anger and fear, I wouldn’t be married today. There is no doubt in my mind about that.
Think about this for a second. Switch positions with your husband. He pretends that you are the one who wants the rest. How would she react if her husband suddenly threatened her with not being able to see her children? Or with sudden poverty simply because you wanted to be happy? Of course, not only would he be angry and frustrated, but he probably wouldn’t want to willingly and enthusiastically reconcile with someone who wanted to hurt him in this way.
The most efficient way to get your husband to end the separation or divorce is to gently encourage him to want to be with you and continue your marriage. This offers the most positive result because he is happy and willingly there. He is not bitter and dragging his feet because you used negative tactics.
On the other hand, making him want to be there often takes time. It is not something that normally happens after a threat or conversation. It takes being a skillful communicator during this very difficult time in your relationship. It leads you to use all the emotional intelligence you have to try to feel empathy for him instead of anger at him. Why? Because you’ll get a much better response from him (and a higher chance of reconciliation) if you don’t immediately present yourself as his adversary or someone who opposes him. Instead, you want to emphasize that you are his loving wife, and therefore you want to work with him to make both of you happy. I know how challenging this is going to feel. Trust me, I have. And yet, this strategy worked so much better than trying to manipulate my husband into being scared or frustrated. At the end of the day, you want him to be happy because that is really the only way he will have a happy marriage and he will feel secure with his reconciliation.