I recently answered a question from a mother whose seven-year-old son had gotten into the habit of dropping his pants and showing his private parts to his friends, including girls his age. This mother shared that she and her husband had tried everything to get him to stop, from punishing the boy to spanking him on his bare bottom every time the behavior was performed, all to no avail. This poor mother seemed to be desperate not knowing how to deal with this situation.
So how does a parent respond when their child behaves in an embarrassing way? With this question, there were so many issues that I felt needed to be addressed. First, the boy seemed to be showing signs of the need to be educated about gender and sex differences; secondly, behavior aside, this seemed to be a boy who had gotten used to getting away with being rebellious; and third, his parents seemed understandably concerned with how they would be perceived by others, rather than focusing on the child’s developmental needs. The remainder of this article addresses my response to the mother’s question.
Dear frustrated mom,
It sounds like your son has questions about sex, perhaps more specifically about the gender differences between him and his peers. I wonder if this is the only rebellious behavior he shows. For example, do you like to fart with others, burp or pick your nose, and display your content? If so, what are typical responses from you and your partner? These days, thanks to the media, people are more aware of the prevalence of child abuse, but unfortunately this new awareness has also led to an increase in the suspicion of innocent parents of a child’s rebellious but innocent actions. I could be wrong, but I suspect that the main reason you and your partner want this behavior to end is possibly because you are both concerned that it may reflect negatively on both of you as parents.
This is understandable, but keep in mind that all behaviors children display are on a continuum, and while their behavior is unacceptable, it may be a continuum of other rebellious behaviors that you and your partner might not consider as important. As to how you stop this behavior, I would suggest a three way approach. This consists of positive reinforcement, consistent discipline, and sex talk appropriate for a seven-year-old. Positive reinforcement will be showering your child consistently, each time he doesn’t expose her private parts to you or anyone else. Get on your knees, look into his eyes, and share with him how proud you are that he was able to respect himself and the other person by not showing his private parts. This will be challenging as you will have to remember each time you interact with your child or see them interact with someone else.
Consist discipline; In addition to the strict “no-no” that society imposes on people who show their private parts to others, there are other prohibitions that are not as severe but go along the continuum that leads to showing one’s private parts. one. These are the behaviors you want to target in order to exercise consistent discipline. So when your child shows his private parts and you explain that he is not being aware of others through his behavior, you also want to point to other behaviors that warrant this same explanation, i.e. farting, burping, nose picking and the list. continue. Specifically in regards to what kind of discipline should be exercised, I would advise against spanking, it is not effective. Instead, along with grounding, I would take a favorite toy and give it away whenever any of the offensive behaviors in the continuum occur. It is important that you do not turn it over in a few days and replace the toy when it begins to comply; instead, give it a few months for replacement.
The combination of positive reinforcement and consistent discipline, 100 percent of the time, will prove very effective. He would also ask his teachers to help him through the process, so he doesn’t get away with behavior outside the home. I would recommend that you and your partner try this technique for at least forty-five consecutive days, even after the behavior has stopped; both could always last longer.
Third, you would have a talk about sex with your son, but make it fit for a seven-year-old’s ears. I would encourage him to talk about why it is important that people not go around exposing their private parts in public, I would talk to him about the physical differences between boys and girls, and most importantly, I would encourage him to teach him about the good and bad petting of others. .
Good luck and I hope this helps.
Take care,
ugo