Assertiveness has many facets. It is a way of behaving. It is a way of thinking. It is also a way to resolve conflicts. These different facets are like the faces of a diamond; they reflect different visions of the same thing. Here are 7 facets of the Assertiveness diamond.
1. Act assertively
If assertiveness is not easy for you, you can act your way. First, think win-win in whatever situation you find yourself in. Then, when you are engaged in exchanges with others, relax. Be fluent, real and honest. Connect yourself in the present. Free yourself from fear. Any time you fall into one of the other aggressive or submissive modes, simply return to the overt assertiveness gestures.
2.Speak assertively
Just as you can adopt the body language of an assertive person and, in the process, become more assertive, you can also practice the tone of voice of an assertive person. Speak with a purpose. Don’t say anything to put people down. Do not despise yourself. Use short, clear words and phrases with a firm, warm, and sincere tone. Whenever you feel yourself slipping into the rambling, apologetic, hesitant tones of submissive mode, or the loud, angry, belligerent tones of aggressive mode, calmly return to the assertive tone of voice.
3. Win-win results
The strategies adopted by the aggressive person and the submissive person are designed to establish a winning or losing position vis-à-vis others. The aggressive person wants you to listen to her and do what she says now. The submissive person wants you to leave them alone now. Both modes want instant resolutions. Assertive mode doesn’t care about instant wins. They know that life is not about winning and losing, but about everyone winning, even if it is a process that takes time.
4. Assertive rights
Assertive rights are one of the trademarks of the assertive movement. These are not legal rights but basic human rights. They are not written, but arise from whatever situation you find yourself in. They include: the right to say No to things you don’t want to do; the right to be heard with respect; the right to remain silent; the right to change your mind; the right to make mistakes. The non-assertive person does not dare to have these rights. The aggressive person demands them for himself but not for others.
5. Troubleshooting
Tuning in to our assertive rights allows us to handle difficult situations assertively. Let’s say you live next door to someone who regularly plays loud music late at night. Your rights to a peaceful night’s sleep are infringed. It is possible that you do nothing and the situation remains unresolved. You may get angry and call the police, but your neighbor gets angry and plans to take revenge. The assertive route sees you calling your neighbor and trying to find a win-win solution to the problem.
6. An assertive sequence
There are several ways to resolve a situation in which you feel your rights are being violated without getting angry or giving in. Here’s one that uses the LASSIE mnemonic. It starts with you describing the situation to the other person, and continues with:
L to hear your point of view
A to recognize what they say
I know about Say what you honestly think and feel
S from Say what you would like to happen
I for Indicate what the differences are
E for Explore win-win solutions.
7. Natural affirmation
Although assertiveness lacks the heated emotion of the angry aggressive or the quivering fear of the timid submissive, it is not devoid of feeling. You can be assertive by letting others know your feelings, for example, in spontaneous outbursts of positive enjoyment. “Great meeting!” “Well done!” “That was an excellent report!”
The beauty of assertiveness is that you have two bedfellows, anger and fear, who are nothing alike. No matter what situation she finds herself in, she can always check how she thinks, behaves, or feels. Then, when you know what mode you’re in, you can change yourself and your thoughts, behavior, and emotions to where you’d rather be.