Guilt is the number one factor to blame for this situation, says American clinical psychologist Diane Ehrensaft. The author of Spoiling Childhood: How Well-Intentioned Parents Are Giving Kids Too Much, But Not What They Need, says parents today are often caught on a guilt-driven pendulum, swinging between parenting too little and breed too much. According to Ehrensaft, we are giving too much freedom, material goods and empty praise to our children instead of setting limits and giving guidance, time and love.
“We’re parents like Tarzan on a string, swinging wildly from never being there enough to being there too much,” says Ehrensaft, of modern parents who are caught up in the juggling act of trying to have “everything.” Parents today are, she says, trapped in the situation of wanting to satisfy their own needs and ambitions while at the same time wanting to give their children more opportunities and materialistic items than they themselves had. “It’s a tough situation for these professional, middle-class parents who have pursued what they wanted (career, money, happiness) sometimes at the expense of their children’s well-being, and yet also act as if the sky’s the limit. For their children,” says
families frequenting the psychologist’s practice sounds familiar.
Parents who work hard, but help with homework and organize after school activities for their children five days a week. In these families, the children rarely help around the house and their demands are met with the least amount of resistance. It sounds like a scene from many households, but where does the line between wanting to encourage our children’s growth and raising potentially unsociable bullies begin to blur?
The word “discipline” may give some parents a rash, but according to psychologists it’s a necessary part of the parenting process. Parents in 2005 may want their children to be free-spirited and more spontaneous than previous generations, but this doesn’t mean they don’t need their parents to act as parents. Without firm benchmarks, authorities say children are forced to scream and whine, desperately seeking a reference point from which to grow and develop.
“Worrying that our children will not like us if we discipline them can prevent some parents from establishing firm structures for the behavior our children need. We must stop abdicating the throne and accept our position as adults,” says Ehrensaft. “Children don’t do well with kings and queens deposited for parents. To be good parents, we should definitely give generously of ourselves, but never give ourselves to our children,” she says.
Irish psychologist and founder of Rollercoaster.ie, Dr. Anne O’Connor agrees. “Discipline is a very important part of parenting and is often learned on the job. If your child learns that when he says he doesn’t mean it, you are teaching him a valuable life lesson,” she says. .
The Galway-based psychologist says many parents give in to their children’s demands because it’s much easier to give in and buy what they want than to spend time explaining why they won’t buy it or getting upset when they don’t. Get it. However, such actions will have negative repercussions.
“You’re creating a child who will have totally unrealistic expectations of you and the world: they’ll expect to get everything they want. You can bet their requests will get bigger and more expensive as they realize all the advantages.” While you may indulge your child’s wishes, the world simply isn’t like that and your child may be in for a rude awakening when faced with the many situations where they may not actually have what they want,” Dr. O’Connor says. The psychologist says that what children really want is to spend time with their parents, instead of being ‘bought’ with gifts.
“The ‘stuff’ simply can’t replace your time. If children don’t get attention and input from you, among other things, they don’t develop a sense of their worth. They may feel they’re not worth spending time with So while you may be showering your little one with gifts, his self-esteem could be waning as his pile of toys grows,” she declares.
While parents need to start saying ‘no’ to demands and tantrums, Dr. O’Connor says they need to say a clear ‘yes’ to children’s request for time.
“Make time for yourself. Parenting is not just about getting through these years – you should enjoy your child and what better way than to spend time with him. Find out what he likes, give him time to show off his new skills and knowledge. praise and encourage them,” he adds.
According to Ehrensafts, the key to change is taking a look at family dynamics and examining the way we treat our children. Children, she says, are not miniature adults and should not be expected to grow up prematurely. She insists that children need time to play and have free time to be with family and friends, that is, to enjoy childhood and, at the same time, relax knowing that the big ones rule.
“Once you make the switch, you’ll not only have fewer battles with your kids, but you’ll also have more opportunities to truly enjoy being with them, and that’s the most important thing,” says Ehrensafts.