Shortly after my divorce I felt that I was broken and that I had nothing to offer another person. I avoided dating and exposing myself because I was overwhelmed by thoughts that caused me confusion about who I was.
I put my life in order and started asking myself questions about what I wanted my life to be like for the next 20 years. It turned out to be an irreplaceable step to heal and orient myself before starting a new relationship without having to deal with some internal battles that needed to be addressed.
To have a meaningful and rewarding relationship we must first realize that we are half of the new relationship. If the focus is getting someone else to complete us, then we’ve already lost the battle. The secret is to be complete and happy with ourselves first before embarking on something new. Dating too soon only leaves behind unresolved emotions and baggage that can carry over into a new relationship.
The fear of being alone has more to do with not wanting to dive into the unresolved feelings we have, and until it is resolved it can add another relationship to the “loss” category.
What can we do to overcome the stigma of singleness?
1. Realize that the time we invest in ourselves is invaluable in making more accurate decisions about where to go next.
2. Keep in mind that couples often look happy, but they also have problems on the inside. The concept of being in a relationship is very different from being actively in one. Relax.
3. Realize that bringing the best of yourself to a new situation will be valuable because it allows us the opportunity to create something real with another person.
4. No matter what happens in life, including breakups, we can only trust ourselves when the dust settles. If we live a mostly peaceful and happy life, we will have that no matter what the actions of others bring into our existence.
5. When we don’t NEED anyone else, everyday life feels sweeter. Then when someone shows up, it’s a partnership versus immediate gratification and the potential loss of another relationship. Take your time and find your way.
6. Take the time to assess what you really want in each area of your life. Make the focus be on you. When you are happy, you know your intention for the areas of your life and you are living your own truth, that is when a suitable person will appear for you.
7. Remember, you are not broken. No matter how society makes you feel or tells you who you should be, you have time to decide for yourself. Do not rush. Take the time to find out what is right for you. Hasty decisions bring stress.
8. Start by taking small steps toward activities YOU enjoy. People often fill their schedules with activities to simply distract them from not being in a relationship. Instead, a better solution is to focus on activities that will bring joy and meaning.
Removing the pressure of other people’s opinions can work wonders. Sitting down quietly with a good book and taking the time to reflect on what’s right for you is never wasted time. Quiet time is an investment in the future.
Taking the time to invest in ourselves will pay big dividends. The chances of a strong future relationship with another person are much easier if we are happy with or without the other person’s company. The other person should be a compliment to who we are, not the person we need.