I sometimes get emails from wives who feel like they have lost the battle to support their husband after their affair. Sometimes he is not willing to give up the other woman and believes that he will be happier if he leaves her wife and moves in with her.
I recently heard from a wife who said, “My husband has been having an eight-month affair with a woman from his work. At first, he told me that he would break up with her and try to save our marriage. But eventually, it became quite It was obvious he wasn’t going to leave her. He was still calling her, texting and emailing her and covering his tracks so badly that I don’t think he would care one bit if I found out. I eventually confronted him and he admitted that he just wasn’t there. Not sure which of us he really wanted. He told me that even though he wanted me too, he just couldn’t walk away from her. Last week, he came home and announced he couldn’t live. One more lie, so he was going to move on and leave. to live with her. I’m beside myself because it seems like she’s made her decision. I’m sure this is the beginning of the end of our marriage and eventually she will distance herself from our children and be more of a father to her children. than for yours. All this makes me sick. What I can do? I just have to accept this?”
You don’t have to accept it forever, but you may need to take a long-term strategy rather than a short-term strategy if you want to turn things around over time. I’m not going to tell you that it’s impossible to talk him out of moving in with her, but this strategy often has a lower success rate because there’s often a point early on where he really believes he’s in love and I can’t. live without her Unfortunately, there is little you can do at this point to make him think otherwise. And even when you’re successful, he can resent it if he thinks you’re driving him away from her. He can also make her seem even more forbidden and therefore attractive and desirable.
Decisions you have to make when he moves out to be with the other woman: Many wives in this situation are still very sure that they still want to be with their husband once he realizes how wrong he is. And some women aren’t sure to wait for him to come back because the betrayal runs too deep. It’s a situation to have an affair and then quickly decide to end things entirely because you want to save your marriage. But it’s a whole different situation when he can’t seem to let her go and goes as far as moving in with her.
I can’t tell you which way to go or answer. Much of this depends on how you still feel about him and how stubborn you are to save your marriage. I can tell you that if you are one of those women who somewhere deep inside harbors hope for your marriage, you are not alone and your feelings are completely understandable. And I can tell you that there are plenty of men who move out to be with the other woman only to come home with their tails between their legs some time later.
Look, sometimes it takes the experience of it blowing up in his face for him to see where he belongs and who he belongs with. And frankly, sometimes this works to your advantage because he can’t deny how deeply he’s screwed things up, which puts you in a better position in the long run. It is not uncommon for a man to see who the other woman is once he is living with her. And he guess what? That wrong, forbidden relationship is suddenly official and open, so it’s not so exciting anymore. Not only that, but the other woman moves into the position of “lady of the house,” which can, frankly, make her seem less than attractive at times.
Whether this means you’ll be willing to accept him once he’s ready to come home, well, only you can make that decision. There are many marriages that make it in these circumstances, but those that make it often get some kind of help getting by. There will be a lot of damage that needs to be repaired. You can’t just pretend that she never existed or that your marriage is exactly the same. It is likely to require a great deal of work and can be downright painful and uncomfortable at first. But for those who are willing to go through these hardships, the result is often a stronger marriage, though these results are often not easy or quick.
And, while he’s away and living with someone else, my best advice would be to focus on you. Don’t constantly check up on him or try to get him to come back and feel guilty. Make him believe that you are moving on with your life and that you are attractive and respectable enough to live that life without him. He doesn’t have to know that one day you might have a contingency plan that may or may not include him. But getting up and living your life will help make things bearable while he’s gone, give you a head start on your life in case this process takes longer than you expected, and put you in a better position with him because he will see that you are not at home waiting for his return. Because when you are, he doesn’t really have any incentive to make a decision or make a move.